Diary Entry One

My soul is not at rest. It should be, but it’s not and it’s incredibly frustrating. I have everything you’re supposed to want to have.

  • A BA and MPA with relatively low levels of student debt.
  • Amazing friends that study recording and sing opera and make films and are writing books about witches that wear Crocs
  • An amazing man who is the best person I’ve ever known and the best I could have ever dreamed
  • A job with a boss that respects the fact that a 24 year old can know what he’s talking about
  • A job in my field
  • A job that pays me enough to be able to afford my rent and live comfortably
  • A supportive family

But yet, my soul is not at rest. It shows itself in small ways. When I snip at Chase after seeing an amazing play, (Ellie Clark, you were breathtaking) when I fall into a depression after doing things I say I love, when I’m at work and can’t be bothered to do a thing.

We went to go see Marie Antoinette last night and it was hard. We got home and went to bed and I’m laying there holding Chase and crying. I have such regret over not pursuing something creative as my full-time career. Don’t get me wrong, I love Public Administration, but it’s not what generally ignites my soul. If I could go back I would have learned piano or clarinet or stuck with voice. I would have gotten my BA in creative writing, get my MFA. Gotten a degree in photography. My soul craves it.

My soul craves sitting in Baked + Wired writing my next film, writing my next collection, writing my next book. I read about people working on something creative and how they have this huge success or how they get to just write and all day and go grocery shopping.

I dream of being Celeste Ng, at home with her 6 year old, writing books that cut right to your soul. I want to be the goddess Liz Gilbert, inspiring millions, living with her love (I’m lucky enough to have this part already) and writing when inspiration comes to her.

I long to be able to travel, to be able to set my schedule, to get up, be happy to start “work” for the day, and to feel so happy and free and blessed.

I want to know what it feels like to be able to work from anywhere. To take my work with me and to travel Scotland finding inspiration. Writing books that people relate to, that they find themselves in, the way I found myself in Hannah from Everything I Never Told You. Just talking about that life, living a creative artistic life, puts my soul at rest. I know this is what I am meant to do, but when you’ve already gotten your degrees, when you already have a job, how are you supposed to say, “I’ve made a mistake, I need to start over.” How do you reconcile being glad for the opportunities you’ve been given while also knowing you’re not happy?